


Rite of Passage

by dualitas



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 18:05:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1827373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dualitas/pseuds/dualitas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know what Kuroko had to go through as part of his 'initiation' to Seirin. But what did the rest of Miracles have to do?</p><p>Ch.1: Kise's Initiation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rite of Passage

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone that the Generation of Miracles were a huge bunch of jackasses.

Oh, they were insanely talented, of course. That was indisputable.

But they were also an indisputable bunch of jackasses.

Hence, when the recruitment season was over and done with, each of the new teams decided independently and in unison that they were going to instigate an 'initiation process' to allow 'proper assimilation' for these talented group of jackasses.

It need not be explicitly said that those pretty-sounding words, were, of course, euphemisms for 'let's get right down to torturing those arrogant bastards'.

* * *

(The politically correct version coined by Seirin was 'to ensure that the players were motivated enough', but everyone knew what that  _really_  meant. Riko's reputation was well-known among basketball circles.)

* * *

The process starts with Kise, the self-confessed "weakest" of the Miracles.

He marches through the Kaijou corridors towards the gym all sparkles and bright smiles, a single raise in his eyebrow causing not one. Not two. Not three, but a  _row_ of boys to faint in the middle of the corridor. Five girls follow suit.

Kise nonchalantly walks past the pile of bodies he unintentionally caused, and turns to walk into the gym. He bursts the doors open, absolutely certain that he is going to be faced by a reception fit for a prince. What he finds instead is his usual gaggle of girls, letting out shrill giggles befitting the boy-band level fame Kise has attained. His senpais, Kobori, Hayakawa and Moriyama, are merely stretching on the floor.

He walks up to them, clearing his throat loudly. A few beats of silence pass.

Then —

"The weather looks 'lovely and temperate' like a summer's day, does it not, Kobori?" says Moriyama pleasantly to Kobori. Then he throws a glance at the girls by the side of the gym from the corner of his eye.

Uncertain of what to say, Kobori merely blinks. "Um."

"Yes!" Hayakawa yells. "The sky is so b(r)ue and the c(r)ouds (r)ook f(r)uffy!" He looks up to emphasis the point.

"This is an indoor gym, Hayakawa-senpai..." says Kise confusedly. "And what's going on?! Why are all of you ignoring me?"

The three senpais turn to glare at Kise as one.

"Oh, you know..." Kobori says nonchalantly, yet with a hint of vindictiveness. Yes, despite his calm exterior, Kobori is indeed just as wily as anyone else. He just chooses to hide it behind a mask of impassiveness, which probably means he's the shrewdest of them all.

He shrugs, then goes on, "We can't acknowledge you until you do the 'initiation process'. We have to follow procedure."

"'Procedure'?" repeats Kise incredulously.

"Indeed. We are but puny humans flung about in a sea, nay, ocean, of bureaucracy after all," Moriyama waxes poetically. He throws another glance at Kise's gaggle of girls.

Kise bristles. "But I'm one of the  _Generation_ of  _Miracl–"_

"No excuse!" yells Hayakawa. "You sti(r)(r) have to go th(l)ough this! It'(r)(r) fi(l)e up you(l) motivation to be pa(l)t of Kaijou's basketba(r)(r)!"

"I don't understand what you just said, Hayakawa-senpai, but it sounds like I don't have a choice," Kise says. "Fine. I'll do your 'initiation' thing." He gives a thumbs up, and winks, looking sparkly. One of the girls in his usual crowd faints.

After a brief commotion in the gym during which a stretcher was brought to take the girl away, Kise continues, "It'll be a piece of cake for someone like me!" This time, he makes sure to tone down the radiance a little.

"Wonderful! Splendid!" says Moriyama. "Let's get started then." He gets up and walks towards the gym exit.

Kise sighs, and follows his three senpais out. He walks behind them, steadily feeling more confused as they mutter and nudge one another, holding a whispered discussion.

"Why don't we make him do laundry...I have a growing pile under my bed..."

"Ew, Moriyama, what have you been wearing to school then...

"It's clean, okay? One, or two days won't hurt...(even five days is okay)..."

"What! I borrowed your shirt the other day..."

"I've got an idea!"

"Shut up, Hayakawa!" Both Kobori and Moriyama hiss at Hayakawa. They throw a discreet glance at Kise. Kise pretends not to notice, averting his gaze from them.

After more whispers between the senpais, they turn around and look somberly at Kise. Moriyama lifts a hand and places it on Kise's shoulder.

"...Kise." He clears his throat. "In order to test your motivation, you have to do...gardening."

Kise blinks. "...Come again?"

"Ga(l)dening!" yells Hayakawa.

"What does  _that_  have to do with anything?" Kise asks incredulously.

"Why? Er..." He turns and holds another whispered discussion with Kobori and Hayakawa.

"You just have to!" Hayakawa shouts at Kise, who scrunches his eyes at the volume.

"I forgot to do it and my mum's gonna kill me if it's not done by today," says Kobori bluntly.

Kise's eyes widen and he turns to Kobori. "You–"

"What Kobori means to say," Moriyama quickly speaks up, trying to cover up for his hapless teammates. "Is...that..." His eyes lit up. "Gardening symbolises new life. It symbolises growth. Hence, this action will be a rite of passage for your integration into Kaijou's basketball team." He mentally pats himself on the back.

Kise stares at them for a few seconds. Then he shrugs and gives another glittering thumbs up. "No problem, senpai! I've watched shows on gardening before so I know what to do!"

Moriyama breathes a sigh of relief and then all of them head to Kobori's house. Kobori opens his gate for them and all of them file in. The moment they reach his garden, Kise straps on rubber gloves Kobori has awkwardly handed to him, and proceeds to get his hands dirty.

The three senpais stare at Kise happily gardening and whistling a tune for several long moments. Then they turn to one another.

"Well...this isn't as satisfying as I thought it would be," Moriyama speaks up.

"It's a big help to me, though," says Kobori with a shrug. "Why don't we...take pictures of him looking foolish like this to blackmail him in the future?"

"I've got a came(l)a phone!" Hayakawa pulls his phone out and takes a photo of Kise. The three boys stare at the picture for a moment.

A long silence ensues.

Then the three senpais clear their throats and avert glances from one another.

"...I can literally feel a blush coming," says Kobori, and quickly turns away, lifting a hand to his face.

Hayakawa discreetly saves the picture to his wallpapers. Moriyama clears his throat and looks away as well. Then he groans, "Why,  _why_ is prettiness only blessed on some peopl–"

He is cut off by a sudden choked sound from Kise. All of them turn to him immediately with panicked expressions.

"Kise!" exclaims Moriyama. "What's the matter?"

"I...there..." Kise is rapidly turning blue. He points a shaking finger at the soil. The senpais look at it in unison.

An earthworm is wriggling out of the soil. It starts crawling towards Kise, who swallows as he stares at it.

"Um..." Kobori starts to say. He glances at Kise, who is frozen where he crouches, still pointing at the worm. "It's just a worm, Kise..."

The worm continues crawling ever so slowly to Kise. Then it climbs on top of Kise's foot.

Kise promptly faints.

"Oi!" Hayakawa exclaims. He squats down to Kise's lifeless body and starts shaking it. "Kise! Kise! Pu(r)(r) you(l)se(r)f together!"

Kobori prods Kise's leg with his foot. It only moves a little.

Kobori turns to Moriyama. "I think he's unconscious," he says needlessly.

Hayakawa drops Kise to the ground. Kise falls like a sack of potatoes, arms sprawling all over the place. Hayakawa's hands fly to his cheeks. "Oh  _no_! We b(l)oke Kise! We _b(l)oke_ Kise!"

Kobori squats down to lift up Kise's eyelids as though Kise is a corpse in a crime scene. Hayakawa continues wailing.

"Everyone, stop panicking!" says Moriyama commandingly.

Hayakawa shuts up at once. Kobori looks up to Moriyama from his position on the ground.

"First things first,  _no one_ tells Kasamatsu about this," Moriyama orders.

Hayakawa and Kobori nod immediately. Hayakawa even mimes zipping his lips shut.

Moriyama takes a breath, then goes on, "Secondly, both of you, pick up the body. We're going to dispose of the evidence."

"Dispose of the evidence?!" Hayakawa's eyes are wide in horror. Kobori smacks him at once.

"Shut up!" he hisses. "Do you want  _everyone_ to know what we have done?"

Again, Hayakawa mimes zipping his lips shut.

"Thirdly, both of you follow me with the body," Moriyama says, as though he hadn't been interrupted. Inwardly, he pats himself for having watched so many crime dramas on his days off.

Kobori lifts Kise's arms and places them over his shoulders. Hayakawa lifts Kise's legs. Kise's head lolls downwards. To any passerby, he looks like a human-shaped palanquin.

"Okay, let's march," Moriyama commands.

Kobori and Hayakawa nod urgently.

All of them march together. Moriyama's eyes are darting left and right, urgently looking out for any witnesses. He leads them down the street back to Kaijou.

Thankfully, they meet no one during the journey. Most of all Kasamatsu. Especially since Hayakawa and Kobori has dropped Kise so many times throughout the course of the journey. Kise's white and blue jersey is now covered in dust. There is an unidentified brown stain on his shorts.

They dare not look at the state of his face and head. Although Hayakawa has briefly seen a chewing gum stuck to his hair.

Once they arrive at Kaijou, they head towards one of the many locker rooms next to the basketball courts. Moriyama goes ahead to scout for witnesses. Once he sees the coast is clear, he gestures urgently for Kobori and Hayakawa to come in.

"Go, go, go!"

Panting heavily, Kobori and Hayakawa painstakingly carry Kise in. A crash sounds right before the entrance to the locker room. They have dropped Kise again.

Moriyama slaps his forehead.

Finally, they manage to drag Kise into the locker room. They drop him unceremoniously like a pile of bricks onto one of the benches. Then they both collapse into another, breathing like they had just carried a dead body for more than a hundred yards.

Moriyama stands in front of them with crossed arms. "Okay, both of you listen to me  _very carefully._ "

They only pant in response.

Moriyama gestures at Kise. "What happened with Kise...is merely an unfortunate basketball accident. A basketball flew out and hit him. That's all that happened, alright?"

Kobori nods, but Hayakawa speaks up, "I think the(l)e's a b(l)uise on his head though…"

"That's from the impact of the ball." Moriyama dismissively waves a hand.

"A(r)(r) the dust on his c(r)othes?"

"The ball was very dusty."

"The b(l)uise on his arm?"

"Another ball hit him. There was an unusual amount of flying balls this evening."

"What about the worm crawling on his leg?" Kobori decides to contribute.

"Wow, it's still there?" Moriyama looks curiously at the worm. "What a tenacious worm."

Then he waves a hand again. "There was a worm on the ball. I don't know. Just make something up again, okay?"

Kobori and Hayakawa look dubiously at Moriyama.

He sighs. "Geez, all we need to do is make sure Kasamatsu  _never_ finds out about this, alright? Imagine what he'll do if he finds out that we were trying to rag Kise…"

"You were trying to rag Kise?"

Kobori and Hayakawa gasp. To his eternal shame, Moriyama lets out a squeak that sounded like a choked squirrel. He turns his head round so quickly his neck nearly gets twisted.

All of them see Kasamatsu with his arms crossed in the entrance of the locker room. He has a deep scowl and a glare on his face.

"U-um...we can explain this, of course, Kasamatsu…" Moriyama smiles weakly.

"New (r)ife! G(l)owth! (L)ite of passage!" The words Hayakawa starts yelling out become steadily more and more nonsensical.

Chaos reigns for a while in the locker room.

Then in the midst of all that, Kobori merely points his forefinger at Moriyama.

"It's his fault," he deadpans.

Dead silence descends on the locker room all of a sudden.

Then —

"Moriyama." Kasamatsu jabs a finger at him. "You have to do  _triple_ the amount of suicide laps tomorrow."

Moriyama gapes. He opens and shuts his mouth like a goldfish.

Kasamatsu turns around without waiting for a response and starts striding out of the locker room.

"Where are you going?" Kobori calls to him.

Kasamatsu continues walking, but turns his head slightly to answer him.

"To get a bucket of water to dunk on Kise, of course. We can't have our ace all dusty, bruised and unconscious like this."

Kobori nods understandingly.

"Plus," Kasamatsu adds. "I kind of want to drown that worm crawling on him."

Of course, when Kise woke up drenched and achy, he never realised what  _really_  happened. He merely thanked Kasamatsu for waking him up. Kasamatsu never realised that his actions were, in fact, ragging, forever thinking that he did it out of practicality's sake.

And thus, Kise had his 'initiation process' over and done with.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments would be appreciated. I am a new writer, so I'd love to know what you liked or didn't like about the story! Thanks. :3


End file.
